Knowing

What am I knowing you ask? Not near enough, I say. But I know some things and I have a thirst for knowledge of all things that can not be quenched. Every day I am hunting for answers, for something to feed my brain. I can never shut it off and sometimes it causes me damage. I think to much and when I have nothing to keep me distracted, my head fills with things that damage the heart and lead me in to the darkness of depression. For those who don't know, I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety attacks, and PTSD, (post traumatic stress disorder) I have been in therapy for a long time, years and years. Coupled with numerous different anti-depression drugs and anti-anxiety drugs. I even had to take pills to sleep sound so that I could sleep with out dreaming because of hellish nightmares that plagued me every night. I mean hellish. I would often wake up in a cold sweat crying and screaming. Terrified and some times not fully awake, I would be combative in total survival mode, literally fighting for my life and difficult to wake up. I rarely remembered the dream. I hated sleep and would avoid it any way I could, and dreaded the fact that sleep would come sooner or later, but it would come and there'd be nothing I could do about it.   My childhood was life threatening and I thank gawd I won't grow up again. But on another more positive note, I blame no one for that not even those who are grossly guilty! I have learned so much about mental health and nervous conditions in my quest to fully understand my own conditions that I could just about be a therapist! The truth behind all of this is that no matter how much I know or learn about my own conditions, I will never be completely free of them because there's no cure and no magic fixes. This used to piss me off. To realize that so long ago when my life had just begun, some people took away my innocents for there own greedy, selfish needs. They stripped me of everything that I was going to be and gave me a new future, one that was filled with pain and sadness and anger. There would be darkness and despair and confusion. Every single day would be a true struggle just to ex hist and make it to the next. They left me with an over whelming fear of everything especially people and removed my ability to trust anyone. I still hate to be touched. Hugging is hard but I am learning how to accept it. I still can't relax around people and have a hard time around crowds even if I know who they are. I fear unfamiliar places and don't go far out of my comfort zone but I have been working hard at stretching out the comfort zone perimeter. I can drive paces by myself and even stay over night but I lock my doors always and I make a point of keeping my distance from strange strangers, dealing with as few folks as I can and as little as I can. I learned long ago to read people. Their body language, their faces and expressions. Even their words because every body has their own language and you know nothing until you can speak and comprehend their language as well. I can see that this blog entry is gr owning in to a two part deal so I will cut it off here and c u in part two at another time. Soon though.

The Deep Dark Sadness

Depression is a huge part of my life. I hate to admit that. The commercials for all those different drugs that they say help with depression and anxiety, you've seen them.....? They say millions of Americans suffer from some form of depression.  Then why do we all feel so alone if there are millions of us?! Couldn't we all gather together and just wade around in our deep dark sadness together? Then at least the loneliness factor would be answered, right? No. Where then, does the answer lie? I know that I didn't fall in to this deep dark hole in my heart by consuming a bunch of pills, so what would make some one believe that the pills would fix me and my sadness? I sometimes see the answer to the question but it's so far away beyond my reach that I often give up and accept the cold familiar feeling of it all and slip down into it with out a fight. There have been times that I just woke to find myself there already. I don't know who I am at that point and there is no will to win and no logical explanations as to why I can't just walk it off. For those of you out there who don't have depression or anxiety or maybe you just don't know what it is, there is no way you can ever truly know what that's like, and it doesn't matter how well I describe it or any one else describes it either.

I have been in therapy for years and taken many,many different types of meds to try to help myself, at times, attempting to save my own life. In my opinion, the feeling of being all alone is the worst part and the hardest to deal with. Over the years, I have had some good therapists and have made huge strides of success in my life. But there is no cure, and I am reminded constantly that I will never be %100. That what happened to me as a child and the genetic pool that I come from stole away my right to a normal happy life with out therapy, medication, and The Deep Dark Sadness.