I Give Up

I am so tired, not the kind of tired that you can sleep and fix either. No, I am the kind of tired that simply says, "I Give Up!" I don't have anything left inside to fight for. I am a product of my environment, a loser. I have no value and no self esteem. I only bring grief and disappointment to those around me and I haven't got anything that anyone even wants any more. I have lost my way and in doing so I have lost my will.

I am not a mother nor was I ever. I let my kid down repeatedly through her whole life. I did to her what my mother did to me. I couldn't even see it. I never learned to be loyal to my family, so consequently, I wasn't there for my dad and my family when he was dying and asking for me. I moved so far away that I left my little sister to face the world alone with out my support or help.  I let 10 years pass by with out seeing 90% of my own blood family. I let my other sister move so far away that we can't help each other either.

Some how I let my BFF get so far away that our whole friendship seems like it was just a rare but good dream.

Last but not least I disrespect, abuse, neglect and mistreat my own boyfriend, and as a consequence he now hates me.

With all this, I give you the last thing I have, an apology.

I am sorry that I was not enough, that I was not smarter, or faster. I am so sorry that I hurt you and negatively affected your lives. I am sorry that I brought so much grief to all of you.

I know now what I have done and how much damage I have caused.

I also know that I can never change any of it, or take it back.

And I have nothing left inside to offer you all to ease the pain.

I really don't know what will happen to me or what I will do. I don't have any answers and I have run out of all the things that once kept me moving forward. I am to tired to try to find the sun. I am angry and bitter about my losses maybe so much so that it has cost me a good life. I may never know happiness. It seems hopelessly out of my reach.

Maybe it is my punishment for all the things I have done.

What I Know About Therapy

I was just a kid when I had my first therapy session. I don't even remember it. But I know it well because I have been in some type of therapy or counseling ever since. Some good some worthless. Some even caused more harm than good leaving me damaged further. Most folks have some vision of the whole therapy thing that might look a little like this: (Example)The Shrink's office was dimly lite and furni8shed with heavy dark furniture. I laid down on a couch opposite of Doctor Headfix as he nodded asked mundane questions and scratched notes on a clipboard. He says that the interpretation of my dream tells him that I have issues with my mother from child hood. She was demanding and made me write sentences as punishment.
That's one example. For what ever reason, people seem to think that therapist actually fix people like a magic pill or something. It's not that simple. And in case you didn't catch the part about the fact that you can never be free of your affliction, no cure, no fixes available, well, I said it again. Therapy comes in many forms and there are endless possible applications, but all therapy shares a basic fact. It all depends on you. No therapy can even hope to work if the person getting therapy is not committed.  I mean committed to getting well not committed to a hospital in case you were confused. Even hypnotherapy can work if you are committed and believe. A therapist is kind of like a couch.

Things I Need to Say

I keep writing here because I am trying to help myself. I keep writing here because if I am not successful in helping myself, maybe what I write will help some one else. Today I can not see the sun and I am week and feel like I don't have the strength to drag forward to find it any more. I am broken and there is no fixing me. And now I know that I am doing the one thing that I never wanted to ever do. I am hurting the people I love, afflicting them with my sadness.  Through all of my life time of depression , one thing is a constant, that I will be OK. That I will live through this so that I can do it all over again the next time. Same old darkness, just another day. No matter how much you hate it, and how badly you never want to go through that again, you will. Over and over again.There is no real fix and there are no radical new medical treatments for depression and anxiety. None for PTSD either. The only tool available to you is knowledge friend. Go out and educate yourself. Google the hell out of the Internet, ask questions, talk to your therapist or mental health provider. What? You don't have one?! Get one and do it fast, cause you can't walk this road alone. Your gonna need all the help you can get if you want to live any kind of quality life. I know you what your thinking, you think if you you seek out a mental health provider well, that's just like seeing a shrink right? That means I'm crazy right? No it does not mean your crazy. And there are way to many misconceptions about therapists out there, way to many. So lets go there for a minute. Let me tell you what I know about counseling and therapy.