I have been in therapy for a long time and I have gained many things from it, one of these things is a tool box of simple things that I can pull out and use to help myself feel a bit better when my world becomes a storm inside. I use music and pictures, and light and sometimes I just scream out loud on my beach. Deep in the middle of a wind storm where no one can hear me.
A therapist that I trusted deeply once said with a chuckle, "Yes, You are a pretty complicated person!" and so it was.
I have had so many abusive and damaging relationships with men who simply could not understand me, who were very much intimidated by my complicated mind that they were reduced to the primitive solution, kick my ass. I have many scars but they only add character and give me something to talk about when I am around strangers that I have to make small talk with.
The real scars are inside and they are huge! I don't worry about them any more. Instead I worry about if my dog approves of the food I bought him, or if my sister is getting enough rest, or if I will remember to call my kid on time.
I still feel lost and very much alone but I know that those feeling are very real and that there will always be moments that they over whelm me and that I succumb to them. It's the other feelings that seem new or unfamiliar that I am still leery of. Like love and safety. I never know why or what and I never trust them when I feel them or something like them. I ask internal questions like, "What does this person want or why am I the one?" I always look for the answer or something a clue to tell me that it's not real or that it's not my real. When I do find something I explode it and use it to drive away that person and those feelings, so that they can't hurt me or worse, and oh yes, there is worse.
I am the icon in the text book for, "Abandonment Issues" and I know that.
I have spent a life time being my own thing, learning to avoid relationships that I can't understand and have no control over. I have fine tuned the art of solo. I give very little of myself these days and my reasoning is very clear, people take and then they take and then they leave you with less than when you arrived. That's not it though, it's what they take that is. You can't just let people take all those little pieces of you that you can never get back and expect to ever feel like a whole person one day. You only have so much to give, before your all tapped out. Then what? Seems there is no answer to that so to be safe I am keeping what's left until I know with out a doubt that the person receiving my precious pieces will know their value and hold them with the respect and the appreciation that they deserve. You should do the same.
Loving yourself.
Sure looks funny up there doesn't it? Yes, all your life you are taught to be kind and generous and to help others and to respect authority. Don't be greedy or self centered. Don't always think of yourself, share and share alike.... bla bla bla. Where does loving yourself come in to play in all this?! Is that not a selfish act in it's self? Would be good to hear some one elses in put on this subject.
I have 2 followers on this blog. 2 people out there are aware they are depressed?
I think that the 3 of us are feeling depressed because we were born a bit ahead of the pack and we know what's really going on. We are capable of a whole different perspective of the world we live in and the direction the other humans/lemmings are all headed.
My other favorite activity is to study the others in depth. I watch them all the time from my perch.
They scurry around rushing to and from home and work never noticing me, they are sad and happy and they are following the path that's been cut by many generations of lemmings before them. They never question why they act this way or why nothing ever really changes. They are content to march the same path every day.
The best ones are those trying to self medicate because they caught a glimpse of the hidden trail that runs parallel to the path. They don't quite understand yet the glimpse was big enough to fuck them up pretty good.It's those that get me. I can't help them and truthfully I don't want to. Why should I no one did that for me, I was just smart enough to figure it out before it was to late.
My question is, what do I do with all the knowledge I have gained? Am I saving myself or something much worse?
