Endless Sadness

Just so you who suffer from chronic depression know, there are many of us out here feeling just as alone as you are right now.  We are crying and the darkness has us in it's grasp as well. I know you. I see you every day when I look in the mirror. I feel you there hurting and suffering there in your darkness. You are wondering if any one else gives a fuck? You are wishing that it would all go away. You sleep to avoid and you run when you feel over whelmed. You feel hopeless and alone. You are sure no one else can feel you or knows how you suffer. No one can understand. I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same exact way. I can't say what is inside because the fear won't allow me that freedom. No you are not alone. You just can't see that from there. Why not share your pain and test the grounds with me, someone who knows where you are and probably the only one who feels what you feel? Maybe we can help each other.

Great Big Crash

Hi There! Guess what? It's me!?
Coarse it is this my fucking blog site! Well shit went all to hell and I am pretty much going to the bottom to begin the climb again! Some stuff is really different this time, like I will for the first time have no real back up plan. Not a dime to my name, no car, no place to live, and only what I am wearing for clothes. Am I scared? Hell Yes! Completely terrified! But since I have been cattle-chuted in to my current choice... what's a girl to do? OK OK I am pretty much fucked, but who wants to live forever any ways!? So when this last bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial Silver and I finish dancing, my life and those who are affected by my life will know some radical changes have OCCURRED.    First of all a message to all you sexual predators out there!
YOU SICK FUCKS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! WE THE VICTIMS ARE MAKINGS A STAND! THAT'S RIGHT YOU TWISTED AND FUCKED SCUM BAGS!!!SOME TIMES THEY COME BACK! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES, AND YOU HAD BEST BE PRAYING TO WHAT EVER GAWD YOU THINK YOU KNOW CAUSE JUSTICE HAS COME HOME FOR A FINALE STAND AND YOU HAVE NO HOPE.

Stand bye for further notice.

Torn to Bits

Here is a nice stick figure drawing of what my family looks like. No it's not that we are all skinny, and not that we are all fond of black clothing either. It is that we seem to be at war amongst ourselves all the time. There has never been a bloodier battle than the ones we have waged against each other. And it has gone on for generations.  I have a life time of scars to prove it. The only difference between this sketch and my family is that we use different weapons than they do. We kill with words. Ugly, black and wretched words. The sharpest in the English language. My sister's have even sharper tongues. They use them too!  I don't really know how a real family lives but this family lives on hate and destruction. And boy howdy can they do a job! As we speak I am just a slab of meat that's been butchard out and hung. I had a dream once that I would one day b ring all of them together in one space with love and that we would be a family again. YIKES! not a chance!

I Give Up

I am so tired, not the kind of tired that you can sleep and fix either. No, I am the kind of tired that simply says, "I Give Up!" I don't have anything left inside to fight for. I am a product of my environment, a loser. I have no value and no self esteem. I only bring grief and disappointment to those around me and I haven't got anything that anyone even wants any more. I have lost my way and in doing so I have lost my will.

I am not a mother nor was I ever. I let my kid down repeatedly through her whole life. I did to her what my mother did to me. I couldn't even see it. I never learned to be loyal to my family, so consequently, I wasn't there for my dad and my family when he was dying and asking for me. I moved so far away that I left my little sister to face the world alone with out my support or help.  I let 10 years pass by with out seeing 90% of my own blood family. I let my other sister move so far away that we can't help each other either.

Some how I let my BFF get so far away that our whole friendship seems like it was just a rare but good dream.

Last but not least I disrespect, abuse, neglect and mistreat my own boyfriend, and as a consequence he now hates me.

With all this, I give you the last thing I have, an apology.

I am sorry that I was not enough, that I was not smarter, or faster. I am so sorry that I hurt you and negatively affected your lives. I am sorry that I brought so much grief to all of you.

I know now what I have done and how much damage I have caused.

I also know that I can never change any of it, or take it back.

And I have nothing left inside to offer you all to ease the pain.

I really don't know what will happen to me or what I will do. I don't have any answers and I have run out of all the things that once kept me moving forward. I am to tired to try to find the sun. I am angry and bitter about my losses maybe so much so that it has cost me a good life. I may never know happiness. It seems hopelessly out of my reach.

Maybe it is my punishment for all the things I have done.

What I Know About Therapy

I was just a kid when I had my first therapy session. I don't even remember it. But I know it well because I have been in some type of therapy or counseling ever since. Some good some worthless. Some even caused more harm than good leaving me damaged further. Most folks have some vision of the whole therapy thing that might look a little like this: (Example)The Shrink's office was dimly lite and furni8shed with heavy dark furniture. I laid down on a couch opposite of Doctor Headfix as he nodded asked mundane questions and scratched notes on a clipboard. He says that the interpretation of my dream tells him that I have issues with my mother from child hood. She was demanding and made me write sentences as punishment.
That's one example. For what ever reason, people seem to think that therapist actually fix people like a magic pill or something. It's not that simple. And in case you didn't catch the part about the fact that you can never be free of your affliction, no cure, no fixes available, well, I said it again. Therapy comes in many forms and there are endless possible applications, but all therapy shares a basic fact. It all depends on you. No therapy can even hope to work if the person getting therapy is not committed.  I mean committed to getting well not committed to a hospital in case you were confused. Even hypnotherapy can work if you are committed and believe. A therapist is kind of like a couch.