Desperation

When some body commits suicide the people around them respond as if it was a personal attack on them. "I am so angry! How selfish of John Doe to go and kill himself!" or "Jane Doe was a pussy! She took the easy way out." When I was around 22 years of age, I became so depressed and lost. I was married and had a child. My little sister lived with me and my husband and daughter. I was not yet in therapy, along way from even knowing that I had a need for help. My husband was abusive and we fought all the time. I spent so much time just trying to understand why I felt so sad and so lost. There was no one in my life that I could talk to about anything especially my emotions. I don't think the people around me tolerated any or had a use for them in others. I was supposed to be like a productive robot. They decided that I was a problem based on my depression state. As I soul searched, I came to the conclusion that I had failed at everything and had disappointed or disgusted the people I loved. My kid my sister my family in general. Most of all, I failed my self. I waited and I looked for options and answers but none came and no one had any to give. I felt so lost and alone, so useless and such failure. One day in the summer, a sunny and warm morning my husband and sister and my daughter were going to go to the lake and go fishing. I chose not to go because I had made a choice. My failures were so ugly to me that I could no longer live with them, I took a bottle of antihistamines (62 pills) and locked myself in the bathroom of our home. I prepared my self for the end of the pain and the sadness. I had a friend I didn't know I had. She busted in and took me on to the local clinic as the pills took their toll and I slipped away in to unconsciousness and peace. When I woke I was in the hospital and immediately the reality of the fact that once again I had failed hit me. I was such a failure I couldn't even kill my self! I went home and every one seemed to just sweep the whole thing under the rug like it never happened. I have never let myself forget the things that led up to that moment. The way I felt, the things that I was thinking and the fact that I truley felt with no doubt what so ever, that killing me was the only option I had to end my pain. THE ONLY OPTION I HAD !