No Contact Court

So court is in session. Joey is there as Chuck's witness and Mr. Nagle is his attorney. I have some faith in Mr. Nagle. I have poured out my heart ❤ to him. I wanted him to know that we are real people and that this is our lives on trial. I asked him if he was married and if he loved his wife. He said yes very much. How would it feel if he was forced from his home and away from her and told he could never go home and he could never talk to his wife again? He said he could not imagine that. Now what if she was suddenly homeless and couldn't take care of herself and you were not allowed to help her? He said it would be unbearable. I said that's what's happening here. We love each other and this separation is not necessary and this is wrong.

60 monthes.

60 monthes in prison for him and 60 monthes alone to struggle just to survive for me. 60 monthes with out him and my heart breaks. It hurts so much I am sure the people walking by on the street can hear it shatter. If they can't then surely they can see the pain and the deep mournful darkness on my face and in my eyes as they pass by and look at me. Please, please don't take him from me. I have already lost so much. We are all each other really has. I need him and he needs me.

Another Life Begining

I believe that we all have many lives we live within the life time we have been given. For instance, one of my lives started when I arrived here on the harbor when I was about 27 years old I think. I came here with Pat Adams to start a new life in Ocean Shores, WA. We rented a house in OceanShores on Oar Loop. I was young and full of adventure. I had diffrent friends and a cute car, a powder blue camera with T-tops and a bra. My friends and I cruised around the harbor in it and we had so much fun. Pat got me a new pup as my previous dog, Sabra was hit by a car in Beaver, WA and died. It was devastating to me and Pat wanted to try to help me get past the grief so he bought me a pup, that I named Nastasha. She road along with me in that Camaro much the same as Sayka does today. When I left Forks, WA it was the end of that life and a start to a new one here on the harbor.  

You see what I mean? Sometimes the lives are short and some can be pretty long. Most involve change and letting go of people, places and things, and sometimes pets. They almost always mean that I changed in some significant way. Since I have always kept a journal of some sort, theses mini lives are documented along the way. It's my inconsistency in writting that leaves small gaps in the whole picture. But I'm getting better at not lapsing in the story. The technology advances our world has made has been a huge help with that. When my life is near over I hope to have organized all of my writting in to a book, an aughtobiography I will leave behind as a legacy and a story for my daughter and my grandchildren to read and to know about me and my life. Maybe it will help them to better understand who they are and the history of their bloodline. Something I never had but always wished I did.

It would be so interesting to pick up my mother's story and see who she was at age 26 or 30 in comparison to who I was at 26 or 30. To know how much alike we are or are not. What choices she made and how she saw the world around her. 

I am going to make the story even more interesting by adding pictures and videos and other bits of collected pieces of my experiences. Today is a good day to begin.

    Ugly, That's how I feel. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted. There is just an old woman who is fat and ugly with bad teeth and a deep dark sadness in her eyes that there is no cure for, 

My man tells me that I am beautiful but he says this for his own reasons I'm sure. There are plenty of women out there and I believe I am just a jumping stone to a better life with a woman that he really wants to be with.

I have no desire to be with any one else and half the time I would rather be alone. So I say jump. While you still can with out looking like a complete pos for leaving a woman when she is in a bad way. Go now while I am still capable of taking care of myself. Go now while you are young enough to go find Miss perfect. 

All my life all I ever really wanted was to be loved, to be cared about, to be accepted and understood. I have lived my whole life seeking those things and I have yet to find any of those things in a man. My guess is I wont ever find those things in a man. 

I am alone even when he is right next to me I am alone, He s always preoccupied with his phone and games or shopping for toys. I have no place in his virtual world what so ever. He does shit online I have no clue about. Occasionally I find something and its never anything good. He asked me to marry him, then 3 days later I found his dating profile on Facebook singles. He claims it was because he felt like nobody looked at him like a man. He just wanted to see if any other woman would want him,

Maybe I should have cut and run then but I forgave him and let it go. I know he still talks to all of his x's and I know the shit that's talked about is probably not anything in my favor. They can have him if they want him but chances are they had their fill of his bullshit long ago as I have.

He tells me I'm the only one and that he loves me and only me. I don't believe him any more. How can I when he doesn't even have the time to listen to anything I say? How can I when he is so selfish and self centered that I am his last thought of importance?

He tries to blame me for every thing he does that's wrong or doesn't work out for him. He has never been accountable for anything. It's always some one else's fault. I am first in line because I am with him all the time I guess. Or maybe because I put up with his bullshit the way I do, always forgiving him for the crap he does to me.

Desperation

When some body commits suicide the people around them respond as if it was a personal attack on them. "I am so angry! How selfish of John Doe to go and kill himself!" or "Jane Doe was a pussy! She took the easy way out." When I was around 22 years of age, I became so depressed and lost. I was married and had a child. My little sister lived with me and my husband and daughter. I was not yet in therapy, along way from even knowing that I had a need for help. My husband was abusive and we fought all the time. I spent so much time just trying to understand why I felt so sad and so lost. There was no one in my life that I could talk to about anything especially my emotions. I don't think the people around me tolerated any or had a use for them in others. I was supposed to be like a productive robot. They decided that I was a problem based on my depression state. As I soul searched, I came to the conclusion that I had failed at everything and had disappointed or disgusted the people I loved. My kid my sister my family in general. Most of all, I failed my self. I waited and I looked for options and answers but none came and no one had any to give. I felt so lost and alone, so useless and such failure. One day in the summer, a sunny and warm morning my husband and sister and my daughter were going to go to the lake and go fishing. I chose not to go because I had made a choice. My failures were so ugly to me that I could no longer live with them, I took a bottle of antihistamines (62 pills) and locked myself in the bathroom of our home. I prepared my self for the end of the pain and the sadness. I had a friend I didn't know I had. She busted in and took me on to the local clinic as the pills took their toll and I slipped away in to unconsciousness and peace. When I woke I was in the hospital and immediately the reality of the fact that once again I had failed hit me. I was such a failure I couldn't even kill my self! I went home and every one seemed to just sweep the whole thing under the rug like it never happened. I have never let myself forget the things that led up to that moment. The way I felt, the things that I was thinking and the fact that I truley felt with no doubt what so ever, that killing me was the only option I had to end my pain. THE ONLY OPTION I HAD !

Who Am I

Sorry there's no picture today. I couldn't find one that would express the way I feel today. The holidays are always hard for me and I am sure many many others. But this year it's not the holidays that's causing pain. Because of the other individuals that are involved with this blog entry I can't be specific. I apologize to you my readers as my intent with this blog was to tell it in the raw, but I neglected to factor in that others might be offended or feel that their privacy has been breached if I mention names or certain events in which they play a role in. So as difficult as this could be to explain I am going to do my best. The only way to really feel better or get better when you suffer from any number of mental health issues,( I have several, anxiety, P.T.S.D., chronic depression, panic attacks, premenstrual dysforic disorder.....)is to seek therapy, See your doctor about medication, and commit your self to getting better. The meds don't do much if you don't have therapy. The other factor is support. A therapist and some pills can't cure you. The combo only educates and guides you So that you can live more of your life. It helps you to build that tool box of tools that help us cope with the the Parts of life that are over whelming, difficult, sometimes impassable. It's what you learn and how you use it that makes the darker parts of you less and the days in the sunshine more. Not long ago I had only one week of functioning, ok time. With the meds and the work I have done in therapy I now have Three weeks of functioning,and ok time. Bottom line is, if you are reading this and haven't at least considered checking in to therapy and seeing your doctor about medications, you are wasting time, wasting your life. I have come a long way, but no way am I prepared for what is ahead of me. I am going to essentially be getting in to the lions cage wearing only a meat suit. If that doesn't kill me or whatever, I will be homeless and alone until my survival instincts kick in. I once had such good skills in the ways of keeping my self some what safe, and fed. I could make it out there by myself in the big world, but those skills have not been used in so long that I doubt I even have them any more and there fore doubt my chances of making it work on my own are very good. I know that this time failure will be devastating and I won't have a safety net or a backup plan. No one to catch me when I fall. I would have liked my story to end in glory and the happy ever after thing, but in reality not all stories end Happily ever after. As a matter of fact some end down right ugly. Part of healing is acceptance. That is one thing I can never do. I can't accept that I will never be whole,nor can I accept that I will always live in fear, even though the facts are so clear that they are all but embedded In my flesh. This will not change. There's no cure. I struggle every minute of every day of every week of every month Of every year with that fact. I am tired, and don't have the strength I once did to fight to be ok.