A Crash It's a ffects

I love this building and I would love  to see the inside.  I probably never will.

It's a bit run down and that makes me sad when I. Looking at it. I think I'm gonna study it. Learn all about it.

That's not what this post is about really though. I have been down now for a good 3 days and it's not just a bit blue. It's harder now to pull myself out of a depression. It's like they said about falling down when you get older. You lay there wounded longer and it hurts a lot more. 

I haven't given up I am just tired and it takes a lot out of me to recover. I'll be alright again just not right now.

Changes

Changes coming and some have already occured. 

Scott is no longer with us on our journey called life. I won't explain. It hurts deeply. His loss is great but I can't stop it and I can't change it so I have to let it go. My heart is broken again as I watch his image fade.

Time to grieve is short as I have to get busy quickly finding us a car to drive and some where to live.

Chuck's court did not go well and he may be a long ways from joining us. But he is right here with us any ways. I never thought I would ever say good bye to Scott but today is that day and I need to accept this and let go.

It's changing me as I write this. Inside I am colder and distant. A piece of me is gone and a hole is all that's left. Good bye friend. I hope you find the life you need and maybe a glimpse of happiness.

Love

Over my life I have learned a lot of shit. I love learning just not so crazy about the kind of lessons that life sends you when your down. None the less I am a loyal student. 

Love is one subject I never mastered. In fact it is still a huge and vast area I am lost in and about. 

What I do know is that a girl doesn't get to choose who she loves and if it's real it never leaves her heart. 

You can love many people, animals and things. But only those genuine and true loves will always stay with you.

You can't deny it nor can you change it. The dynamics of the relationship may change but love, true love remains. You will trip over it multiple times and ways and you may not really understand it or it's depth but it will be there when you stop and breath on a busy day or late at night when you can't sleep. 

Who Am I (an old post I never posted)

Sorry there's no picture today. I couldn't find one that would express the way I feel today. The holidays are always hard for me and I am sure many many others. But this year it's not the holidays that's causing pain. Because of the other individuals that are involved with this blog entry I can't be specific. I apologize to you my readers as my intent with this blog was to tell it in the raw, but I neglected to factor in that others might be offended or feel that their privacy has been breached if I mention names or certain events in which they play a role in. So as difficult as this could be to explain I am going to do my best. The only way to really feel better or get better when you suffer from any number of mental health issues,( I have several, anxiety, P.T.S.D., chronic depression, panic attacks, premenstrual dysforic disorder.....)is to seek therapy, See your doctor about medication, and commit your self to getting better. The meds don't do much if you don't have therapy. The other factor is support. A therapist and some pills can't cure you. The combo only educates and guides you So that you can live more of your life. It helps you to build that tool box of tools that help us cope with the the Parts of life that are over whelming, difficult, sometimes impassable. It's what you learn and how you use it that makes the darker parts of you less and the days in the sunshine more. Not long ago I had only one week of functioning, ok time. With the meds and the work I have done in therapy I now have Three weeks of functioning,and ok time. Bottom line is, if you are reading this and haven't at least considered checking in to therapy and seeing your doctor about medications, you are wasting time, wasting your life. I have come a long way, but no way am I prepared for what is ahead of me. I am going to essentially be getting in to the lions cage wearing only a meat suit. If that doesn't kill me or whatever, I will be homeless and alone until my survival instincts kick in. I once had such good skills in the ways of keeping my self some what safe, and fed. I could make it out there by myself in the big world, but those skills have not been used in so long that I doubt I even have them any more and there fore doubt my chances of making it work on my own are very good. I know that this time failure will be devastating and I won't have a safety net or a backup plan. No one to catch me when I fall. I would have liked my story to end in glory and the happy ever after thing, but in reality not all stories end Happily ever after. As a matter of fact some end down right ugly. Part of healing is acceptance. That is one thing I can never do. I can't accept that I will never be whole,nor can I accept that I will always live in fear, even though the facts are so clear that they are all but embedded In my flesh. This will not change. There's no cure. I struggle every minute of every day of every week of every month Of every year with that fact. I am tired, and don't have the strength I once did to fight to be ok.

crazy wild shit

Those who know me, know that I survived a pretty bad car wreck. Head on collision with a Dodge cop car. County sheriff, Grays Harbor County Sheriff to be exact. Was ejected from the Jeep Cherokee I was a back seat passenger with my dog. My driver and the frontseat passenger were not hurt as badly as the sheriff and myself. The whole experience was a pivotal point in my life. It was as if I was born again in the ditch I landed in. Broke my back and my face. Never knew pain like that ever. Spent 8 days in Harborview hospital. That was nearly 5 years ago. I have never been the same since. It haunts me every day. I wish it would just go away but my body won't let me forget. It's my goal to make it go away and to make it in to a good positive thing that I can grow from.