Reflections

 Sometimes when it's late and quiet, I think about all the things and people I have been through and I almost allways feel overwhelmed like I am still there in those moments going through the whole experience again. I like a little movie playing in my head. It's terrifying and scares the hell out of me. Just like it did when it happened.

They call that PTSD and it's a torture that stays with you forever.

There are days I wake up, and even though the sun is shining, it's dark and gloomy for me all day. A sadness so deep it makes me cold and lifeless. all of the ugly rotten past creeps up and feeds a fridge fire in me that, in turn, is self-destruction. You don't see me out and about those days. 

They call that depression and I spend days in battle with it.

I have found ways to function despite those things as heavey as they are. I even managed to move forward in some areas of my life. Little success pieces. But they don't surface long before they are covered in darkness and lost in the deep sadness.

A Crash It's a ffects

I love this building and I would love  to see the inside.  I probably never will.

It's a bit run down and that makes me sad when I. Looking at it. I think I'm gonna study it. Learn all about it.

That's not what this post is about really though. I have been down now for a good 3 days and it's not just a bit blue. It's harder now to pull myself out of a depression. It's like they said about falling down when you get older. You lay there wounded longer and it hurts a lot more. 

I haven't given up I am just tired and it takes a lot out of me to recover. I'll be alright again just not right now.

Changes

Changes coming and some have already occured. 

Scott is no longer with us on our journey called life. I won't explain. It hurts deeply. His loss is great but I can't stop it and I can't change it so I have to let it go. My heart is broken again as I watch his image fade.

Time to grieve is short as I have to get busy quickly finding us a car to drive and some where to live.

Chuck's court did not go well and he may be a long ways from joining us. But he is right here with us any ways. I never thought I would ever say good bye to Scott but today is that day and I need to accept this and let go.

It's changing me as I write this. Inside I am colder and distant. A piece of me is gone and a hole is all that's left. Good bye friend. I hope you find the life you need and maybe a glimpse of happiness.

Love

Over my life I have learned a lot of shit. I love learning just not so crazy about the kind of lessons that life sends you when your down. None the less I am a loyal student. 

Love is one subject I never mastered. In fact it is still a huge and vast area I am lost in and about. 

What I do know is that a girl doesn't get to choose who she loves and if it's real it never leaves her heart. 

You can love many people, animals and things. But only those genuine and true loves will always stay with you.

You can't deny it nor can you change it. The dynamics of the relationship may change but love, true love remains. You will trip over it multiple times and ways and you may not really understand it or it's depth but it will be there when you stop and breath on a busy day or late at night when you can't sleep. 

Who Am I (an old post I never posted)

Sorry there's no picture today. I couldn't find one that would express the way I feel today. The holidays are always hard for me and I am sure many many others. But this year it's not the holidays that's causing pain. Because of the other individuals that are involved with this blog entry I can't be specific. I apologize to you my readers as my intent with this blog was to tell it in the raw, but I neglected to factor in that others might be offended or feel that their privacy has been breached if I mention names or certain events in which they play a role in. So as difficult as this could be to explain I am going to do my best. The only way to really feel better or get better when you suffer from any number of mental health issues,( I have several, anxiety, P.T.S.D., chronic depression, panic attacks, premenstrual dysforic disorder.....)is to seek therapy, See your doctor about medication, and commit your self to getting better. The meds don't do much if you don't have therapy. The other factor is support. A therapist and some pills can't cure you. The combo only educates and guides you So that you can live more of your life. It helps you to build that tool box of tools that help us cope with the the Parts of life that are over whelming, difficult, sometimes impassable. It's what you learn and how you use it that makes the darker parts of you less and the days in the sunshine more. Not long ago I had only one week of functioning, ok time. With the meds and the work I have done in therapy I now have Three weeks of functioning,and ok time. Bottom line is, if you are reading this and haven't at least considered checking in to therapy and seeing your doctor about medications, you are wasting time, wasting your life. I have come a long way, but no way am I prepared for what is ahead of me. I am going to essentially be getting in to the lions cage wearing only a meat suit. If that doesn't kill me or whatever, I will be homeless and alone until my survival instincts kick in. I once had such good skills in the ways of keeping my self some what safe, and fed. I could make it out there by myself in the big world, but those skills have not been used in so long that I doubt I even have them any more and there fore doubt my chances of making it work on my own are very good. I know that this time failure will be devastating and I won't have a safety net or a backup plan. No one to catch me when I fall. I would have liked my story to end in glory and the happy ever after thing, but in reality not all stories end Happily ever after. As a matter of fact some end down right ugly. Part of healing is acceptance. That is one thing I can never do. I can't accept that I will never be whole,nor can I accept that I will always live in fear, even though the facts are so clear that they are all but embedded In my flesh. This will not change. There's no cure. I struggle every minute of every day of every week of every month Of every year with that fact. I am tired, and don't have the strength I once did to fight to be ok.

crazy wild shit

Those who know me, know that I survived a pretty bad car wreck. Head on collision with a Dodge cop car. County sheriff, Grays Harbor County Sheriff to be exact. Was ejected from the Jeep Cherokee I was a back seat passenger with my dog. My driver and the frontseat passenger were not hurt as badly as the sheriff and myself. The whole experience was a pivotal point in my life. It was as if I was born again in the ditch I landed in. Broke my back and my face. Never knew pain like that ever. Spent 8 days in Harborview hospital. That was nearly 5 years ago. I have never been the same since. It haunts me every day. I wish it would just go away but my body won't let me forget. It's my goal to make it go away and to make it in to a good positive thing that I can grow from. 

No Contact Court

So court is in session. Joey is there as Chuck's witness and Mr. Nagle is his attorney. I have some faith in Mr. Nagle. I have poured out my heart ❤ to him. I wanted him to know that we are real people and that this is our lives on trial. I asked him if he was married and if he loved his wife. He said yes very much. How would it feel if he was forced from his home and away from her and told he could never go home and he could never talk to his wife again? He said he could not imagine that. Now what if she was suddenly homeless and couldn't take care of herself and you were not allowed to help her? He said it would be unbearable. I said that's what's happening here. We love each other and this separation is not necessary and this is wrong.

60 monthes.

60 monthes in prison for him and 60 monthes alone to struggle just to survive for me. 60 monthes with out him and my heart breaks. It hurts so much I am sure the people walking by on the street can hear it shatter. If they can't then surely they can see the pain and the deep mournful darkness on my face and in my eyes as they pass by and look at me. Please, please don't take him from me. I have already lost so much. We are all each other really has. I need him and he needs me.

Another Life Begining

I believe that we all have many lives we live within the life time we have been given. For instance, one of my lives started when I arrived here on the harbor when I was about 27 years old I think. I came here with Pat Adams to start a new life in Ocean Shores, WA. We rented a house in OceanShores on Oar Loop. I was young and full of adventure. I had diffrent friends and a cute car, a powder blue camera with T-tops and a bra. My friends and I cruised around the harbor in it and we had so much fun. Pat got me a new pup as my previous dog, Sabra was hit by a car in Beaver, WA and died. It was devastating to me and Pat wanted to try to help me get past the grief so he bought me a pup, that I named Nastasha. She road along with me in that Camaro much the same as Sayka does today. When I left Forks, WA it was the end of that life and a start to a new one here on the harbor.  

You see what I mean? Sometimes the lives are short and some can be pretty long. Most involve change and letting go of people, places and things, and sometimes pets. They almost always mean that I changed in some significant way. Since I have always kept a journal of some sort, theses mini lives are documented along the way. It's my inconsistency in writting that leaves small gaps in the whole picture. But I'm getting better at not lapsing in the story. The technology advances our world has made has been a huge help with that. When my life is near over I hope to have organized all of my writting in to a book, an aughtobiography I will leave behind as a legacy and a story for my daughter and my grandchildren to read and to know about me and my life. Maybe it will help them to better understand who they are and the history of their bloodline. Something I never had but always wished I did.

It would be so interesting to pick up my mother's story and see who she was at age 26 or 30 in comparison to who I was at 26 or 30. To know how much alike we are or are not. What choices she made and how she saw the world around her. 

I am going to make the story even more interesting by adding pictures and videos and other bits of collected pieces of my experiences. Today is a good day to begin.

    Ugly, That's how I feel. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted. There is just an old woman who is fat and ugly with bad teeth and a deep dark sadness in her eyes that there is no cure for, 

My man tells me that I am beautiful but he says this for his own reasons I'm sure. There are plenty of women out there and I believe I am just a jumping stone to a better life with a woman that he really wants to be with.

I have no desire to be with any one else and half the time I would rather be alone. So I say jump. While you still can with out looking like a complete pos for leaving a woman when she is in a bad way. Go now while I am still capable of taking care of myself. Go now while you are young enough to go find Miss perfect. 

All my life all I ever really wanted was to be loved, to be cared about, to be accepted and understood. I have lived my whole life seeking those things and I have yet to find any of those things in a man. My guess is I wont ever find those things in a man. 

I am alone even when he is right next to me I am alone, He s always preoccupied with his phone and games or shopping for toys. I have no place in his virtual world what so ever. He does shit online I have no clue about. Occasionally I find something and its never anything good. He asked me to marry him, then 3 days later I found his dating profile on Facebook singles. He claims it was because he felt like nobody looked at him like a man. He just wanted to see if any other woman would want him,

Maybe I should have cut and run then but I forgave him and let it go. I know he still talks to all of his x's and I know the shit that's talked about is probably not anything in my favor. They can have him if they want him but chances are they had their fill of his bullshit long ago as I have.

He tells me I'm the only one and that he loves me and only me. I don't believe him any more. How can I when he doesn't even have the time to listen to anything I say? How can I when he is so selfish and self centered that I am his last thought of importance?

He tries to blame me for every thing he does that's wrong or doesn't work out for him. He has never been accountable for anything. It's always some one else's fault. I am first in line because I am with him all the time I guess. Or maybe because I put up with his bullshit the way I do, always forgiving him for the crap he does to me.

Desperation

When some body commits suicide the people around them respond as if it was a personal attack on them. "I am so angry! How selfish of John Doe to go and kill himself!" or "Jane Doe was a pussy! She took the easy way out." When I was around 22 years of age, I became so depressed and lost. I was married and had a child. My little sister lived with me and my husband and daughter. I was not yet in therapy, along way from even knowing that I had a need for help. My husband was abusive and we fought all the time. I spent so much time just trying to understand why I felt so sad and so lost. There was no one in my life that I could talk to about anything especially my emotions. I don't think the people around me tolerated any or had a use for them in others. I was supposed to be like a productive robot. They decided that I was a problem based on my depression state. As I soul searched, I came to the conclusion that I had failed at everything and had disappointed or disgusted the people I loved. My kid my sister my family in general. Most of all, I failed my self. I waited and I looked for options and answers but none came and no one had any to give. I felt so lost and alone, so useless and such failure. One day in the summer, a sunny and warm morning my husband and sister and my daughter were going to go to the lake and go fishing. I chose not to go because I had made a choice. My failures were so ugly to me that I could no longer live with them, I took a bottle of antihistamines (62 pills) and locked myself in the bathroom of our home. I prepared my self for the end of the pain and the sadness. I had a friend I didn't know I had. She busted in and took me on to the local clinic as the pills took their toll and I slipped away in to unconsciousness and peace. When I woke I was in the hospital and immediately the reality of the fact that once again I had failed hit me. I was such a failure I couldn't even kill my self! I went home and every one seemed to just sweep the whole thing under the rug like it never happened. I have never let myself forget the things that led up to that moment. The way I felt, the things that I was thinking and the fact that I truley felt with no doubt what so ever, that killing me was the only option I had to end my pain. THE ONLY OPTION I HAD !

Who Am I

Sorry there's no picture today. I couldn't find one that would express the way I feel today. The holidays are always hard for me and I am sure many many others. But this year it's not the holidays that's causing pain. Because of the other individuals that are involved with this blog entry I can't be specific. I apologize to you my readers as my intent with this blog was to tell it in the raw, but I neglected to factor in that others might be offended or feel that their privacy has been breached if I mention names or certain events in which they play a role in. So as difficult as this could be to explain I am going to do my best. The only way to really feel better or get better when you suffer from any number of mental health issues,( I have several, anxiety, P.T.S.D., chronic depression, panic attacks, premenstrual dysforic disorder.....)is to seek therapy, See your doctor about medication, and commit your self to getting better. The meds don't do much if you don't have therapy. The other factor is support. A therapist and some pills can't cure you. The combo only educates and guides you So that you can live more of your life. It helps you to build that tool box of tools that help us cope with the the Parts of life that are over whelming, difficult, sometimes impassable. It's what you learn and how you use it that makes the darker parts of you less and the days in the sunshine more. Not long ago I had only one week of functioning, ok time. With the meds and the work I have done in therapy I now have Three weeks of functioning,and ok time. Bottom line is, if you are reading this and haven't at least considered checking in to therapy and seeing your doctor about medications, you are wasting time, wasting your life. I have come a long way, but no way am I prepared for what is ahead of me. I am going to essentially be getting in to the lions cage wearing only a meat suit. If that doesn't kill me or whatever, I will be homeless and alone until my survival instincts kick in. I once had such good skills in the ways of keeping my self some what safe, and fed. I could make it out there by myself in the big world, but those skills have not been used in so long that I doubt I even have them any more and there fore doubt my chances of making it work on my own are very good. I know that this time failure will be devastating and I won't have a safety net or a backup plan. No one to catch me when I fall. I would have liked my story to end in glory and the happy ever after thing, but in reality not all stories end Happily ever after. As a matter of fact some end down right ugly. Part of healing is acceptance. That is one thing I can never do. I can't accept that I will never be whole,nor can I accept that I will always live in fear, even though the facts are so clear that they are all but embedded In my flesh. This will not change. There's no cure. I struggle every minute of every day of every week of every month Of every year with that fact. I am tired, and don't have the strength I once did to fight to be ok.

Tools of Happy

I can not begin to tell you how important my dogs are in dealing with my depression. While I do have a support team of folks in my therapy, none of them can do for me what a warm soft and furry dog can do. My dog of choice is the Bully Breeds but all dogs have a secret depression fighting tool. They are like little super hero's who silently fight depression demons the entirety of their lives. I believe it is their reason for being. I owe them my life.
       When I look in to my dog's eyes I see a light of understanding, and love. If I am at critical panic stage all I need to do is to lay my hands on his warm and soft fur and instantly I feel the calm begin. When I can't sleep, the sound of his breathing, (and snoring) and the rhythm of his chest are soothing like counting sheep or clouds and it doesn't take long and I fade in to slumber land.
When I am struggling with an issue that seems unresolvable, I take my dogs and we go for a walk, rain or shine. No it doesn't solve the issue, I do but it's the walk and the comfort of the dogs with me that clears my head and allows me to think more clearly so that I can work out the solution on my own.
I'm not saying go get a dog, and certainly not telling you to get a pit bull! (Pit bulls are not dogs for just any one, and it takes a certain kind of person in the right home setting and situation to properly and responsibly own one.) I am simply saying it has worked for me.
If you think a dog might be able to help you before you leap in head first, try testing it out first. There are many ways to do this. Go to your local no-kill shelter, (I say no-kill because the concept that the dog you interacted with may be put down is enough to drive some of us to the brink of personal disaster!) or even to a friends house who owns a dog and focus in on your darkest spot, the one that never goes away, now pet that dog! Hug that dog! Let that dog do as he will! Lick face, hands and just let go of everything for a minute. With out words, tell that dog how much you hurt inside, how lonely you are, how misunderstood you feel. Let go of the darkness and the pain and let him take that away and replace it with unconditional love and true devotion. I'd like to hear about your results. So please leave comments and yes, I do read them even if I don't respond. I read every comment and feel every presence.

The Calm

It's been a while since my last entry. I call this pic The Calm because it makes me feel that way.
I have been in therapy for a long time and I have gained many things from it, one of these things is a tool box of simple things that I can pull out and use to help myself feel a bit better when my world becomes a storm inside. I use music and pictures, and light and sometimes I just scream out loud on my beach. Deep in the middle of a wind storm where no one can hear me.
A therapist that I trusted deeply once said with a chuckle, "Yes, You are a pretty complicated person!" and so it was.
I have had so many abusive and damaging relationships with men who simply could not understand me, who were very much intimidated by my complicated mind that they were reduced to the primitive solution, kick my ass. I have many scars but they only add character and give me something to talk about when I am around strangers that I have to make small talk with.
The real scars are inside and they are huge! I don't worry about them any more. Instead I worry about if my dog approves of the food I bought him, or if my sister is getting enough rest, or if I will remember to call my kid on time.
I still feel lost and very much alone but I know that those feeling are very real and that there will always be moments that they over whelm me and that I succumb to them. It's the other feelings that seem new or unfamiliar that I am still leery of. Like love and safety. I never know why or what and I never trust them when I feel them or something like them. I ask internal questions like, "What does this person want or why am I the one?" I always look for the answer or something a clue to tell me that it's not real or that it's not my real. When I do find something I explode it and use it to drive away that person and those feelings, so that they can't hurt me or worse, and oh yes, there is worse.
I am the icon in the text book for, "Abandonment Issues" and I know that.
I have spent a life time being my own thing, learning to avoid relationships that I can't understand and have no control over. I have fine tuned the art of solo. I give very little of myself these days and my reasoning is very clear, people take and then they take and then they leave you with less than when you arrived. That's not it though, it's what they take that is. You can't just let people take all those little pieces of you that you can never get back and expect to ever feel like a whole person one day. You only have so much to give, before your all tapped out. Then what? Seems there is no answer to that so to be safe I am keeping what's left until I know with out a doubt that the person receiving my precious pieces will know their value and hold them with the respect and the appreciation that they deserve. You should do the same.

Loving yourself.

Sure looks funny up there doesn't it? Yes, all your life you are taught to be kind and generous and to help others and to respect authority. Don't be greedy or self centered. Don't always think of yourself, share and share alike.... bla bla bla. Where does loving yourself come in to play in all this?! Is that not a selfish act in it's self? Would be good to hear some one elses in put on this subject.
I have 2 followers on this blog. 2 people out there are aware they are depressed?
I think that the 3 of us are feeling depressed because we were born a bit ahead of the pack and we know what's really going on. We are capable of a whole different perspective of the world we live in and the direction the other humans/lemmings are all headed. 
My other favorite activity is to study the others in depth. I watch them all the time from my perch.
They scurry around rushing to and from home and work never noticing me, they are sad and happy and they are following the path that's been cut by many generations of lemmings before them. They never question why they act this way or why nothing ever really changes. They are content to march the same path every day.
The best ones are those trying to self medicate because they caught a glimpse of the hidden trail that runs parallel to the path. They don't quite understand yet the glimpse was big enough to fuck them up pretty good.It's those that get me. I can't help them and truthfully I don't want to. Why should I no one did that for me, I was just smart enough to figure it out before it was to late.
My question is, what do I do with all the knowledge I have gained? Am I saving myself or something much worse?

Endless Sadness

Just so you who suffer from chronic depression know, there are many of us out here feeling just as alone as you are right now.  We are crying and the darkness has us in it's grasp as well. I know you. I see you every day when I look in the mirror. I feel you there hurting and suffering there in your darkness. You are wondering if any one else gives a fuck? You are wishing that it would all go away. You sleep to avoid and you run when you feel over whelmed. You feel hopeless and alone. You are sure no one else can feel you or knows how you suffer. No one can understand. I can't tell you how many times I have felt the same exact way. I can't say what is inside because the fear won't allow me that freedom. No you are not alone. You just can't see that from there. Why not share your pain and test the grounds with me, someone who knows where you are and probably the only one who feels what you feel? Maybe we can help each other.

Great Big Crash

Hi There! Guess what? It's me!?
Coarse it is this my fucking blog site! Well shit went all to hell and I am pretty much going to the bottom to begin the climb again! Some stuff is really different this time, like I will for the first time have no real back up plan. Not a dime to my name, no car, no place to live, and only what I am wearing for clothes. Am I scared? Hell Yes! Completely terrified! But since I have been cattle-chuted in to my current choice... what's a girl to do? OK OK I am pretty much fucked, but who wants to live forever any ways!? So when this last bottle of Jose Cuervo Especial Silver and I finish dancing, my life and those who are affected by my life will know some radical changes have OCCURRED.    First of all a message to all you sexual predators out there!
YOU SICK FUCKS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! WE THE VICTIMS ARE MAKINGS A STAND! THAT'S RIGHT YOU TWISTED AND FUCKED SCUM BAGS!!!SOME TIMES THEY COME BACK! THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES, AND YOU HAD BEST BE PRAYING TO WHAT EVER GAWD YOU THINK YOU KNOW CAUSE JUSTICE HAS COME HOME FOR A FINALE STAND AND YOU HAVE NO HOPE.

Stand bye for further notice.

Torn to Bits

Here is a nice stick figure drawing of what my family looks like. No it's not that we are all skinny, and not that we are all fond of black clothing either. It is that we seem to be at war amongst ourselves all the time. There has never been a bloodier battle than the ones we have waged against each other. And it has gone on for generations.  I have a life time of scars to prove it. The only difference between this sketch and my family is that we use different weapons than they do. We kill with words. Ugly, black and wretched words. The sharpest in the English language. My sister's have even sharper tongues. They use them too!  I don't really know how a real family lives but this family lives on hate and destruction. And boy howdy can they do a job! As we speak I am just a slab of meat that's been butchard out and hung. I had a dream once that I would one day b ring all of them together in one space with love and that we would be a family again. YIKES! not a chance!

I Give Up

I am so tired, not the kind of tired that you can sleep and fix either. No, I am the kind of tired that simply says, "I Give Up!" I don't have anything left inside to fight for. I am a product of my environment, a loser. I have no value and no self esteem. I only bring grief and disappointment to those around me and I haven't got anything that anyone even wants any more. I have lost my way and in doing so I have lost my will.

I am not a mother nor was I ever. I let my kid down repeatedly through her whole life. I did to her what my mother did to me. I couldn't even see it. I never learned to be loyal to my family, so consequently, I wasn't there for my dad and my family when he was dying and asking for me. I moved so far away that I left my little sister to face the world alone with out my support or help.  I let 10 years pass by with out seeing 90% of my own blood family. I let my other sister move so far away that we can't help each other either.

Some how I let my BFF get so far away that our whole friendship seems like it was just a rare but good dream.

Last but not least I disrespect, abuse, neglect and mistreat my own boyfriend, and as a consequence he now hates me.

With all this, I give you the last thing I have, an apology.

I am sorry that I was not enough, that I was not smarter, or faster. I am so sorry that I hurt you and negatively affected your lives. I am sorry that I brought so much grief to all of you.

I know now what I have done and how much damage I have caused.

I also know that I can never change any of it, or take it back.

And I have nothing left inside to offer you all to ease the pain.

I really don't know what will happen to me or what I will do. I don't have any answers and I have run out of all the things that once kept me moving forward. I am to tired to try to find the sun. I am angry and bitter about my losses maybe so much so that it has cost me a good life. I may never know happiness. It seems hopelessly out of my reach.

Maybe it is my punishment for all the things I have done.

What I Know About Therapy

I was just a kid when I had my first therapy session. I don't even remember it. But I know it well because I have been in some type of therapy or counseling ever since. Some good some worthless. Some even caused more harm than good leaving me damaged further. Most folks have some vision of the whole therapy thing that might look a little like this: (Example)The Shrink's office was dimly lite and furni8shed with heavy dark furniture. I laid down on a couch opposite of Doctor Headfix as he nodded asked mundane questions and scratched notes on a clipboard. He says that the interpretation of my dream tells him that I have issues with my mother from child hood. She was demanding and made me write sentences as punishment.
That's one example. For what ever reason, people seem to think that therapist actually fix people like a magic pill or something. It's not that simple. And in case you didn't catch the part about the fact that you can never be free of your affliction, no cure, no fixes available, well, I said it again. Therapy comes in many forms and there are endless possible applications, but all therapy shares a basic fact. It all depends on you. No therapy can even hope to work if the person getting therapy is not committed.  I mean committed to getting well not committed to a hospital in case you were confused. Even hypnotherapy can work if you are committed and believe. A therapist is kind of like a couch.

Things I Need to Say

I keep writing here because I am trying to help myself. I keep writing here because if I am not successful in helping myself, maybe what I write will help some one else. Today I can not see the sun and I am week and feel like I don't have the strength to drag forward to find it any more. I am broken and there is no fixing me. And now I know that I am doing the one thing that I never wanted to ever do. I am hurting the people I love, afflicting them with my sadness.  Through all of my life time of depression , one thing is a constant, that I will be OK. That I will live through this so that I can do it all over again the next time. Same old darkness, just another day. No matter how much you hate it, and how badly you never want to go through that again, you will. Over and over again.There is no real fix and there are no radical new medical treatments for depression and anxiety. None for PTSD either. The only tool available to you is knowledge friend. Go out and educate yourself. Google the hell out of the Internet, ask questions, talk to your therapist or mental health provider. What? You don't have one?! Get one and do it fast, cause you can't walk this road alone. Your gonna need all the help you can get if you want to live any kind of quality life. I know you what your thinking, you think if you you seek out a mental health provider well, that's just like seeing a shrink right? That means I'm crazy right? No it does not mean your crazy. And there are way to many misconceptions about therapists out there, way to many. So lets go there for a minute. Let me tell you what I know about counseling and therapy.

Knowing

What am I knowing you ask? Not near enough, I say. But I know some things and I have a thirst for knowledge of all things that can not be quenched. Every day I am hunting for answers, for something to feed my brain. I can never shut it off and sometimes it causes me damage. I think to much and when I have nothing to keep me distracted, my head fills with things that damage the heart and lead me in to the darkness of depression. For those who don't know, I suffer from chronic depression, anxiety attacks, and PTSD, (post traumatic stress disorder) I have been in therapy for a long time, years and years. Coupled with numerous different anti-depression drugs and anti-anxiety drugs. I even had to take pills to sleep sound so that I could sleep with out dreaming because of hellish nightmares that plagued me every night. I mean hellish. I would often wake up in a cold sweat crying and screaming. Terrified and some times not fully awake, I would be combative in total survival mode, literally fighting for my life and difficult to wake up. I rarely remembered the dream. I hated sleep and would avoid it any way I could, and dreaded the fact that sleep would come sooner or later, but it would come and there'd be nothing I could do about it.   My childhood was life threatening and I thank gawd I won't grow up again. But on another more positive note, I blame no one for that not even those who are grossly guilty! I have learned so much about mental health and nervous conditions in my quest to fully understand my own conditions that I could just about be a therapist! The truth behind all of this is that no matter how much I know or learn about my own conditions, I will never be completely free of them because there's no cure and no magic fixes. This used to piss me off. To realize that so long ago when my life had just begun, some people took away my innocents for there own greedy, selfish needs. They stripped me of everything that I was going to be and gave me a new future, one that was filled with pain and sadness and anger. There would be darkness and despair and confusion. Every single day would be a true struggle just to ex hist and make it to the next. They left me with an over whelming fear of everything especially people and removed my ability to trust anyone. I still hate to be touched. Hugging is hard but I am learning how to accept it. I still can't relax around people and have a hard time around crowds even if I know who they are. I fear unfamiliar places and don't go far out of my comfort zone but I have been working hard at stretching out the comfort zone perimeter. I can drive paces by myself and even stay over night but I lock my doors always and I make a point of keeping my distance from strange strangers, dealing with as few folks as I can and as little as I can. I learned long ago to read people. Their body language, their faces and expressions. Even their words because every body has their own language and you know nothing until you can speak and comprehend their language as well. I can see that this blog entry is gr owning in to a two part deal so I will cut it off here and c u in part two at another time. Soon though.